heartbreak is the national anthem
by kathillards
Summary: She never catches herself falling until it's too late. ―- Kat, falling in love five times over.


**notes:** so this monster of a fic was born out of my love of three things: kat hillard, bisexual girls, and kat rare pairs. it took a lot of time and effort and, honestly, there were some parts that were really hard to write because they hit so close to home, but i hope you guys enjoy it.

consider this my love letter to kat hillard. there's no happy ending, but if i could, i'd write her a million.

* * *

 **heartbreak is the national anthem**

 _'cause baby i could build a castle  
_ _out of all the bricks they threw at me  
and every day is like a battle_  
 _but every night with us is like a dream_

― taylor swift, new romantics

* * *

She never catches herself falling until it's too late.

-:-

 **i. pink**

It doesn't really hit her till she watches her fall off the balance beam. Of course, there's the rush of sympathy and horror and kindness that overpower the spell all tangled up inside her heart, but there's a beat of something more, something different, that she pushes aside until Kimberly is safe.

By that time, though, there's no point. It strikes her as she watches Kimberly, smiling, alive, happy, surrounded by people who love her, people she loves, that there never really was in the first place.

Because girls like Kimberly are a supernova – bright, blazing, brilliant. Meant for so much more. She watches Kimberly kiss Tommy and her heart aches. Part of it is the leftover magic twisting her towards Tommy, but some of it – most if it – is so much more. Too much for Kat, always too much for her.

-:-

Kimberly presses the power coin into her hands and the surge of pink magic and love and power nearly overwhelms her, catching the remnants of Rita's spell and tossing them out of her, taking root inside her heart and spreading Kimberly's strength, her grace, her love straight through her body.

She feels alive all of a sudden, reborn from the ashes, and in the next moment, she looks at Kimberly's smile and feels too small for this world she has entered, too small for the shoes she has stepped in. Kimberly's heart is so big it feels like it could swallow her whole, like she could drown in her smile. Her hands shake as she clutches the coin tightly, smiles at Zordon, at her new teammates, at Kimberly.

It's funny, she thinks, how _much_ of Kimberly there is even though she's so tiny. All that power in such a small body, and it only made her heart bigger. Kat's taller, and now she's the one with the power, but she feels so infinitesimal next to Kimberly. All that power coursing through her body and it still doesn't hold a candle to the echo of her heart pounding against her ribcage.

-:-

The night before she leaves for Florida, Kimberly calls her. She's trying and failing to sleep, watching the stars glow outside her bedroom window, when her phone starts flashing. She picks it up with careful hands, too careful, always too careful, and breathes out a greeting.

"Hi, sorry," says Kimberly, the words tumbling out in a rush halfway between excited and apologetic, "I'm sorry, it's really late, I just – I just wanted to see how you were doing. Do you feel okay? I know it's weird for the first few days, but – " There's a pause, but before Kat can fill it, she hears an exhale of a breath, a calming down that seeps through the phone and into her own skin. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk to you before I left."

Kat curls her fingers around her phone like a lifeline, her pulse fluttering in her wrist. "I'm good, Kimberly, I promise," she whispers. "I'm glad you called. I know – I know it must be hard for you, but I really – I'm really grateful, you know? And I'm really happy you're okay."

She can picture the soft smile curling Kimberly's lips as she says, "And I'm really happy for _you_ , Kat. There's no one else I'd rather be pink." Another pause, filled only with the stuttering of her heart, then, "Sorry, I just – I can't sleep. I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't," she says quickly. "I couldn't sleep either."

Kimberly laughs, like she knows exactly what Kat means. The sound warms her down to her feet. "Wanna know the best places to shop around Angel Grove? I feel like I should pass down my knowledge."

Kat giggles and spends the rest of the night with her phone pressed to her ear, listening to Kimberly gush about shopping malls and clothing stores and then the best restaurants, the best teachers at Angel Grove High, the worst teachers, how to deal with Billy when he goes full-nerd, and a million other little things she won't remember at all except as hazy memories after that night.

The next day, Kimberly gets on a plane to the other side of the country, and Kat feels as lost as she did the day she first moved to America. It's funny how quickly things can be stolen from you – your dreams, your way of life, your free will, your heart.

She should be a lot better at falling in love by now, she thinks.

-:-

 **ii. red**

This time, there's no epiphany. It happens in a series of quiet moments, learning and relearning how to love truly again, both of them careful with their hearts, guarding them with soft smiles and the gentle ease of friendship opening up their locks. She fools herself for months into believing that it's just that – just friendship. Just him and her, doing homework together, getting smoothies together, walking home after school together.

Maybe she wants to believe it, more than anything. Because Tommy is – he's Tommy. He's one-half of _Tommy &Kim_, he's a reminder of Kimberly, of her heart and her kindness, of her shadow cast over the two of them all the way from Florida.

And the thing is, she doesn't blame Kimberly, not at all. She knows, from the quiet looks and awkward stumbling over words that Adam and Rocky do around her whenever they broach the subject, that they expect her to, sometimes. That they worry she's falling in love with a boy who's already promised to someone else, that she hates Kimberly for having him the way she did, once, when darkness had ensnared her.

She blames her heart, more than anything. The heart that was so easily twisted by dark magic, the fears tangled up inside her that maybe this is Rita's last word, a punishment for breaking the curse, to think herself in love with Tommy and to make herself hate Kimberly when all it is, in the end, is a spell.

-:-

She confides this to Tommy once, one afternoon after a battle when he's walking her home – not in so many words, but the gist of it. The fear that she still can't trust her heart, that every time she feels a stab of annoyance at anyone, at anything, that she's falling back under Rita's spell. She doesn't say it, but she thinks he knows that it's partly about him, about the moments where their touches linger and their smiles last a second too long.

He doesn't say it, either. What he does say is, "I couldn't trust myself around the others either, for the longest time. I thought if I faked it long enough, it'd become real. And maybe it did."

"But maybe it didn't," she finishes, looking down. He catches her hand and stops her steps forward, pulling her back so they're facing each other on the sidewalk, his gaze piercing. Her heart starts fluttering, traitorously, and she hates herself for it.

"The thing is, Kat, I wasn't chosen," he tells her. "Not by Jason, not by Zordon. Not till I became the White Ranger. But you, you were chosen to be Pink. Kim wouldn't have chosen you if she thought you could still go evil. And even if she had, the pink power coin wouldn't have accepted you if your heart wasn't pure."

She shakes her head. "Tommy, you have been chosen over and over. Chosen by Rita at first, yes, but chosen to save, chosen to help, chosen to protect. I've heard the stories, you know – Jason went through hell to save you. All of them – all of us would do it, too. The only person who chose me is on the other side of the country, and all I have left of her is a power coin without power."

Tommy goes silent for a moment, his hands running down her arms in some small gesture of comfort. "But you chose Kim," he says finally, just when she'd been ready to give up and go home and go back to pretending everything is okay. "You chose her over everything, over yourself, over all that Rita's magic was telling you. I think that counts for something."

He smiles at her, brushes her hair out of her face. They don't say anything else, only walk home in silence, but for the first time, she feels more comfortable with him, with her own heart, than she has in a long time, not since she moved to America.

-:-

When the letter comes, everything goes topsy-turvy for a while. She doesn't even want to think about her own heart when Tommy's is breaking in front of her, and she can't think about Kimberly's because that means not being there for Tommy, and even though she feels a part of her world splintering at the realization that they're over, she pushes it aside.

She's always been good at ignoring her own heart for others.

Dancing with Tommy warms her for a night, the memory circling around and around in her mind as she smiles into her pillow like a schoolgirl – his arms around her, his forehead against hers, his breath over her cheeks – until she remembers who she is. She's not the kind of girl to let her own dreams get in the way of her friendships, especially not this one.

So she picks up her phone – it's 5am in Florida right now, but she knows from her letters and phone calls that Kimberly wakes up early to go for a run – and she dials her number. It takes five rings for her to pick up; Kat gets the feeling it's more out of trepidation than anything else.

"Hi, Kat," says Kimberly quietly, and even though she can't see her, it feels like her whole essence is subdued. "How are you?"

"Kim," she starts to say, but the words catch and die in her throat. She thinks of Tommy's face, Tommy's heart, and steels herself. "Are you okay?"

"I'm good," Kimberly sighs; there's a collapse of cushions that sounds like she's sat down. "You don't have to worry about me, Kat. I know you want to be there for Tommy, you should be th—"

"I was there for Tommy," Kat cuts across her evenly. "Now I'm here for you. We're friends, Kim. No matter what."

There's a breath, then a cough that sounds like a trapped sob, then, "I just thought it would be better. We were drifting apart, you know, and he's so busy and I'm so busy – "

"Kim," Kat murmurs, and repeats her name over and over until Kimberly calms down with a hiccup. "Kim, it's okay. It's okay, I understand. I'm not mad at you, nobody's mad at you."

"Not even Tommy?" she asks bleakly.

"Not even Tommy," Kat says with absolute certainty. "Do you want me to come over? I can teleport, or I could – I don't know, I could call Aisha or someone – "

"Thank you," Kimberly says, "but I think – I'll be okay. It's nice to just hear your voice, you know. I miss you." There's a heartbeat of a pause where Kat thinks she's going to add on _I miss all of you_ , but she doesn't. Just _I miss you_ , just that. Just Kat. It lingers in the air.

Kat breathes in. "I miss you, too," she confides. "We all do. How's training going?"

This seems to cheer Kimberly up a little, and she spends the rest of the night talking to her, just like she used to for her first year in America. It feels like coming home, lying awake at night talking to Kimberly about everything and nothing. She feels like a normal girl again, before power losses and the Zeo crystal and the Machine Empire.

She wakes up later that day to go fight a monster; Tommy doesn't say much, but he sends her a smile. She tucks away the conversation with Kimberly into a corner of her heart and smiles back.

-:-

The first time they kiss is after they save Jason and Kimberly from Maligore, and everything is all jumbled up and hazy with emotions – confusion, delight, dread, and overwhelming amounts of shock and adrenaline, her whole body coursing with new powers and new terrors and new fights, and the first time she gets a quiet moment, she steals it for herself.

He finds her curled up in her seat in the megazord cockpit, demorphed down to her civilian clothes with only her new helmet left in her hands, staring at it as she rolls it around, admiring the new angles, the familiar color, the silver mouthpiece that reminds her so much of her first suit, of Kimberly's suit.

"Hey, Kat," he says, and she jumps. Somehow, she hadn't really expected him to come looking for her – their relationship was fledgling still, only a few casual dates and hand-holding between them, and she was so unsure of where he stood and what he wanted, that she found it easier to just not talk about it, these days. "What are you doing here all alone?"

"Oh, just," she coughs, offering up a smile, brushing her hair away from her face, "just thinking, you know. It's been a long day."

Tommy smiles in understanding and sinks down next to her on his seat. "You could come hang out with us in the bridge," he offers. "Jason and Kim are all right now, Alpha ran the tests and everything."

Kat looks away. Part of her aches to see Jason and Kimberly, but most of her feels too confused to be able to properly interact with the two of them, with Tommy, even with the others around as a buffer. "I thought I'd give you guys your space," she admits quietly. "They're your best friends, after all."

He blinks at her, the epitome of wide-eyed confusion. "They're your best friends, too, Kat," he says, his hand shifting like he's going to reach out to touch her, but he stops himself at the last moment. "You and Jason were always – " He pauses, then continues, "And I know you and Kim still talk. What's the real problem?"

She doesn't meet his gaze, biting her lip as she spins her helmet around in her hands. "It's you," she admits, bracing herself for the look on his face before she turns back – the surprise, the confusion, the hurt, it's all there. Her heart pangs. "Look, I know we just – I know we're not…as serious…" She wants to phrase this carefully, _has_ to phrase this carefully. "You and Kim were something else, you know. I don't want to make you feel like you have to choose. You're not together, but she's still your first priority, and I understand – "

"Kat," he says, then, more intently, " _Kat_ ," and this time he does reach over to take her hand. "I'm really sorry if I've made you think that – that I don't care about you as much. That's not true at all."

She smiles a little, looking down at their intertwined fingers. "Tommy, I've made my peace with it," she admits. "I like our relationship, our friendship. You mean the world to me, I just don't want to mess things up."

"Friendship," Tommy repeats, his voice far softer than she's ever heard. "Kat, we – I don't – " He stops, looking frustrated, like he can't find the words he's looking for. "I didn't – "

"It's _okay_ ," she says, squeezing his hands. "You should go be with Jason and Kim. Don't worry about me, I'm fine."

He stares at her for a minute, her heartbeat counting the seconds, his gaze soft and kind and so utterly heartwrenchingly _Tommy_.

Tommy, who cared so much and had his heart broken. Tommy, who loved so deeply, who kept his heart in a letter safe in a drawer back home, a drawer filled with old pictures of him and Kimberly and happiness.

Kat knows, she's been there, she's watched him heal, helped him through the first steps of learning to love again, but it's so hard to trust her own heart when she watches his eyes fade as he's looking at her, when she hears the wistful sigh in Kimberly's voice when they talk on the phone. It's hard to trust who she loves, what she feels, what's a remnant of days gone by and what's new. It's hard to sort out her emotions, and harder still to do it without burdening him on top of everything he already feels, so she doesn't.

Then he leans over and kisses her and she forgets all about trusting her heart.

He kisses her gently, a little like he's too afraid to push her, but he draws her into his arms and lets her set the pace, waiting till she opens her mouth to deepen the kiss. His lips are soft, his hands are warm, and it feels like a puzzle piece clicking into place. When she pulls back, he rests his forehead against hers and smiles as she catches her breath.

"We're not friends," he murmurs against her lips, her eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks, his hands cupping her face. "I love you, Kat."

It may not be enough, but it feels like it, tonight.

-:-

 **iii. yellow**

With Tanya, it's different. It's quieter, simpler, the halfway point between friendship and love, teetering just on the edge of both. It'd been immediate, the clasping of hands to step into the ruins of the Command Center, offering her a home, helping her settle in to life in Angel Grove. High school is a mess of monsters and fights and new powers and worrying about Tommy, worrying about Kimberly, worrying about everyone, and she doesn't have time to sort out any of her emotions.

But high school ends. Everyone goes their own separate ways, and suddenly, Kat finds herself lost and alone in a new continent, a new world, navigating her dreams of ballet with the unshakeable feeling that she's lost something precious when she gave away her power.

She calls Tanya as often as she can, of course, because friendships like that don't fade easy, but Tanya is miles away with a future of stars and singing spreading out in front of her like a map to all her dreams, and then, of course, there's Adam and Tommy.

Until there's not, anymore.

-:-

She and Tommy break first, mutually and amicably, neither of them wanting a long distance relationship, though they tried for a few months. But he's busy with his racing and then his school and she can't even keep up with what he's doing anymore and she has her ballet, her new life in London, new friends, new obstacles to face.

It's natural, she tells herself, to grow apart from your high school loves, but ever so often her heart pangs at the thought of him – they'd shared more in three years than most adults do in marriage. She calls Kim about it, and it makes her feel better to talk with her, but it's just not the same. Nothing is the same.

And then Tanya and Adam. The phone call comes one night after a long day of ballet practice, which means it's morning for Tanya, whichever state she's in, and it's filled with quiet words and balms and then, slowly, shifting to stories of high school, the old days, the good times. Tanya is laughing by the end of it, and Kat feels her heart thrum as she hangs up the phone.

That night, she looks at a photograph on her headboard of her and Tanya, arms around each other, laughing at some joke the boys were telling behind the camera. Tanya, radiant in yellow as always, looking at her like she's the sun.

The only thing she can manage to think is, _God, not again._

-:-

She has a bad habit of falling in love with her friends, which stems partly from her bad habit of falling in love with kind people, and she figures it's time to acknowledge this when she and Tanya manage to meet up in London for a day together while Tanya is there on business.

"Kat, I missed you!" she cries at the airport, nearly squeezing the breath out of her. "How have you been, girl?"

"Amazing," Kat laughs, hugging her back just as hard. "But not as amazing as I am now."

Tanya smiles warmly, takes her hand and begins dragging her out. "You have to tell me all about the academy," she gushes. "And, oh, what are we going to do today, I was going to leave it up to you, but I really absolutely have to see Platform Nine and Three Quarters, Kat, I finally finished reading Harry Potter – "

Kat lets her best friend's warmth and love wash over her like a rain shower, familiar and soothing and sweet as always. "We can do whatever you want," she promises her as they get in her car. "Anything at all."

Tanya grins and throws her arms around her neck after she buckles herself in. "I missed you _so much_ ," she sighs happily. "America just isn't the same without you."

"Well," Kat laughs, starting the ignition and letting its roar mask the jumpiness of her pulse. "I haven't been the same without you, Tanya."

It's more true than Tanya might know.

-:-

It's only the next year, after a series of unsuccessful attempts at dating boys, that Kat sees Tanya in person again, this time when she visits Angel Grove to see her own parents. She hasn't magically managed to win better control over her heart in the months since their last meeting, though, and she thinks it shows.

"Kat, are you all right?" Tanya asks, frowning at her in concern as they sit together, curled up on Kat's couch and not paying attention to the romantic comedy they rented for the night. "You've been weird all day."

"It's just weird being back," Kat mumbles, hugging a pillow to her chest for lack of something to do. She's had a few drinks, they both have, but she feels disappointingly sober, still able to feel the sting of love. "And I missed you. I guess it's just weird because…it's been so long, this time."

"We're not letting it go that long again," Tanya agrees adamantly. "Video chats can only do so much for the soul."

Tanya tosses a grin at Kat, who manages to smile weakly back. She's tried so hard, _so hard_ , to not fall in love with girls, not since Kim, not since Kim _left_ , and certainly not since Tommy. She'd thought Tommy had stolen her heart for good, but as it turns out, hearts are a fickle thing, especially hers.

She wishes she could fall in love easier, or not at all. Both would be preferable to falling hard and falling fast, the way she does. The way she _always_ does. Hasn't she learned a damn thing since Australia? Since America?

Certainly, she should have since London, and a pretty brunette ballerina from Brazil and the way she made her feel, right up until she started dating someone else. And yet, here she is, sitting with another beautiful girl who will never know how fast she makes her heart race –

"Kat?" Tanya asks carefully, resting a hand on her arm. "Are you okay?"

She shakes her head, overcome with an impulse she _knows_ she'll regret in the morning and yet – and maybe it's the alcohol, or maybe it's Tanya's open face – but she leans over and kisses her before she can talk herself out of it. For a moment, her world goes dizzy, her heart jumps into her throat, and everything is _Tanya_ and then –

Tanya pulls back, gently but firmly, her eyes wide. "Kat…"

Her name sounds like lead to her ears. Kat closes her own eyes and waits.

-:-

She'd been waiting for the mocking, the scandalized hysterical laughter that still rang in her ears from the last time she kissed a girl – freshman year, Australia, spin the bottle. Not her fault, and yet somehow, they knew. Somehow, they always knew.

This time, though, it never came.

Tanya is kind, unfailingly kind, and never lets her apologize, though she tries. After the buzz of alcohol clears from her head the following morning – she supposes she had been more drunk than she'd thought – the two of them sit on her bed and talk and talk until it feels like there's nothing else to talk about.

"You're my best friend," Tanya promises her. "Always will be. Nothing can change that."

Kat laughs, ducks her head to stare at her pink-flowered bed sheets. "I know. I know. I think I just – I confuse friendship for love, a lot. Or my heart does, and I try to stop it but – "

"You can't stop your heart," Tanya tells her softly, taking her hands and twining their fingers. "Falling in love isn't a crime, Kat. And you know I love you. I'm not going to stop loving you."

Kat bites her tongue to stop herself from finishing the rest of the sentence. _Just not like that. Because I don't like girls like that. Because nobody does, except for you, because you're –_

"Stop," Tanya says firmly, as if she can sense what Kat is thinking. And maybe she can. "I love you no matter what, Kat. Girls or boys. What we have is unconditional."

There's a pause as Kat attempts to process this, then Tanya adds in a whisper, "And don't tell Adam, but you're a way better kisser."

This gets her. Kat bursts out laughing, saying, "I wasn't even _sober_ ," through her giggles.

Tanya winks. "That's why I said don't tell him."

-:-

She doesn't tell Adam, but she figures Tanya must have mentioned something, because the next time she talks to him, he looks at her a little differently, not badly, maybe a bit more kindly. It feels weird, knowing that other people know, but good, too. Because Adam is her friend, and Tanya is her friend, and she trusts them to love her anyway.

Love, with its many doors and its endless possibilities, is a labyrinth she has yet to conquer, but it feels like her heart gets stronger with every heartbreak, so she goes on. She always does.

-:-

 **iv. gold**

She'd be lying if she said she hadn't noticed Jason in high school. She thinks anyone would, really, because Jason had been every girl's dream – handsome, kind, smart, strong, and brave. It helped that he was almost always single, save for his singular relationship at the end of high school, which she heard through the grapevine had petered out afterwards, like most of theirs.

The thing is, she's pretty sure Jason never noticed her, not as more than a friend, not more than _Tommy's girl_. Which is fine with her, of course. Love and friendship are one thing, but she's not fool enough to mistake attraction for affection. They keep in touch after high school, sparingly but often enough that she's updated on his life and he on hers in turn. He's still as handsome, kind, smart, and everything else, just as much as he was in high school.

At the end of it all, she supposes, there will always be attraction, whether it ought to be there or not.

-:-

By the time they're all of legal age, they enjoy drinking together quite a lot, the former rangers. Maybe it comes with the territory, wanting to wash away the bitter pain of having lost or given up their powers, or maybe it's just a young adult thing and she shouldn't be egotistical about it. The point is, when they all catch up in Angel Grove during vacations, there's a lot of alcohol involved.

It tends to make her reckless, impulsive after a few glasses of wine or beer or vodka. (Once, Rocky had talked her into skinny-dipping with him at a reunion bonfire by the beach they were having; luckily, Adam had been there to talk them both out of getting hypothermia in the ocean.)

Jason, she's noticed, tends to become more introspective. Reckless in a different way, maybe. Reckless with his heart, with his feelings, and if you know Jason Lee Scott, you know that he never is, not normally. Not sober.

To see the epitome of tall, dark, and brooding finally open up is a marvel to behold, Kat thinks, as she watches him down his fifth glass of whatever concoction he's having the bartender of the club whip up for him. He flashes her a grin, broad and lazy and tipsy verging on drunk. Jason's not a lightweight, so it takes him a while to really get going, but he's at the edge already.

"Aren't you drinking, Kat?" he asks her, leaning in close to be heard over the music. His cologne washes over her, reminding her irresistibly of wood smoke and spices.

"I'm your designated driver, silly," she reminds him for probably the third time that evening, toasting his glass of alcohol with hers of sprite. "You're gonna need me to get you home."

"Oh, yeah," he says, drawing back and frowning at his drink after he puts it down on the bar to survey. "Where are the others, then?"

"Rocky and Adam went home already, I called them a cab," Kat counts off on her fingers. "Tommy was the first to go, he said he had a science test in the morning, god knows why he's taking science, he was always terrible at it…"

Jason snorts and takes another gulp of his fizzy red drink, but doesn't otherwise interrupt.

"And Tanya couldn't make it, she had a recording session in New York today," Kat finishes, drumming her fingers on the bar as she puts them down. "And that's the team."

"What about my team?" he asks automatically, and Kat pauses. His brow furrows in confusion and he amends, "I mean – I mean – what do I mean?"

He looks up at her helplessly and she cracks a half-smile. "You mean your original team," she says gently, patting his arm. "Your first team." _The first team_ , her brain reminds her, traitorously. Whatever was hers, it had been theirs first. "It's okay."

"I just…" Jason swallows the last of his drink and swivels to face her. "You're different, y'know? It's like this – " One hand comes up in the air, tracing nonsensical patterns she can't quite follow. "You and Kim, you're different colors. Different shades. Like – like she's bubblegum, and you're rose – no, wait, that's not right – you're _carnation_."

He nods, satisfied with this assessment, and continues tracing lines in the air as she watches in bemusement. "Not better or worse, just different. But not mine – I mean, yes, mine. You're my team. But you're not my pink. You know what I mean?"

She does, in a sense. He had been Kim's red, which was different from being Kat's sixth. Kim had been his pink in the way Kat had been Tommy's. "I get it," she tells him, though he's hardly paying attention, mumbling about yellows and blues and _damn it, Tommy, how many colors do you need?_ A giggle escapes her as she watches him, amused to see the fearless leader of the original rangers so completely lost in his own drunken ramblings.

The bartender sets down another drink in front of him, along with the tab, which startles Jason out of his color musings. Kat hastily takes the latter as Jason grabs the former and gulps half the glass down in one go. When he gets going, he _really_ gets going.

"Hey, Kat," he says after she finishes signing the tab and sending it back, "Thanks for understanding."

She looks up, startled at the words, and finds him watching her closely. "Um, you're welcome," she says uncertainly, and he grins at her and takes her hand.

"We should go home," he says, helping her off her stool. His hand is warm, too big for hers maybe, but she curls her fingers into his anyway, leading him out of the club and to her waiting car.

"Yeah," she agrees with a small smile as she watches his eyes flutter shut once he's buckled into her passenger seat, "let's go home."

-:-

Jason shows up at her doorstep the next morning with a bouquet of carnations and an apologetic grin. "For the tab, and putting up with me," he says, offering the flowers to her. "And getting me home safely and all that. I'm taking you out to dinner tonight, too."

"You don't have to," she protests, but the carnations smell really nice and his smile is winning her over before she can really say no. "Okay, well, we're splitting the bill."

"Absolutely not," he says, in what she knows is his Leader Tone, one that brooks no argument. "Your reward for handling Drunk Jason. No protests."

Kat smiles and goes to put the carnations in a vase, making sure her back is to him when she says lightly, "Oh, he really wasn't that bad. Much more fun to talk to than Sober Jason."

He stares at her, offended, then notices her shoulders shaking from muffled laughter and rolls his eyes. "Ha-ha. Funny. I'll pick you up at eight."

"It's a date," she says before she can comprehend the words. She pauses in horror, but Jason only winks at her and heads out the door, leaving her to wonder if she's _really_ going on a date with Jason Scott or not.

-:-

It turns out to be halfway between yes and no. He takes her to dinner at a restaurant by the pier, at a table out by the water where the lights reflect gold on the surface of the waves and the wind blows in cool evening gusts all around her. The food is as excellent as Jason's taste, and she's thoroughly enjoying herself before she remembers to ask.

"If this is how you treat all girls you take on dates, it's a wonder you don't have a girlfriend," she remarks casually, reaching for her glass of champagne. "I mean, unless you do."

Jason looks at her in amusement. "Are you fishing for information, Kat?"

"I don't fish, only pry," she says primly, then breaks down in giggles when he grins at her. "I was just wondering. Last I heard was Emily and then – "

"High school," he says ruefully. "Never lasts, no matter how much you want it to."

"Don't I know it," Kat sighs, and his gaze turns curious. "Have you heard from Tommy lately?"

Jason nods. "He's in this paleontology program at his university, apparently. Not sure what he's planning to do there, but he seems to enjoy himself." His voice softens. "He talks about you, you know. Probably doesn't tell you, but he misses you, more than he says."

"I miss him, too," she says honestly, setting her champagne glass back down on the table. "It's just, things have changed a lot. And we're both so busy…"

Jason runs his tongue over his lips, a movement so entirely distracting that she almost misses the way his mouth quirks in a grin when he catches her looking. "Are you still in love with him?" he asks after a moment's hesitation, and Kat almost chokes on thin air.

"Am I still – oh, no, not at all," she says quickly, shaking her head. "It's been three years since we broke up. I'll always love him, but that time is past."

"That's mature of you," Jason says with a fond smile. "But then, you were always the most mature out of us all."

Kat stares at him in affront. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asks, getting the feeling she's being teased from the look on his face.

"Nothing!" he says innocently, laughing. "Just that – well, you were always kind of intimidating, you know. Australian, tall, blonde…" He pauses and swallows. "You just seemed to have it all figured out."

Kat chews on her bottom lip. "I had nothing figured out," she admits. "And are you telling me _you_ were intimidated by _me_? _You_ , Jason Lee Scott, first leader of the Power Rangers?"

Jason snorts. "I was a kid who knew karate, that was it."

Kat hums beneath her breath. "Not according to those girls in your fanclub. And a few boys, too."

Jason sits up straight, eyes narrowed. "…What fanclubs?"

Kat clutches her hands to her heart and sighs dreamily. "Oh, _Jason_ , he's so _tall_ and _handsome_ and he helped me pick up my papers when I fell yesterday and _our hands touched_ and oh my _god_ , did you _see him_ at the Youth Center yesterday, he was _shirtless_ , it was _so hot_."

Jason gapes at her. "That is – that is _not_ – you're _lying_."

"Am I?" she sing-songs, and he throws his napkin at her. "You seriously didn't notice all those underclassmen constantly sighing after you? Even you can't be that oblivious, red or not."

Jason frowns at her, offended. "I'm not oblivious. You're making it up!"

Kat giggles and reaches over to pat his hand mock-consolingly. "Whatever helps you sleep at night," she says, and gets another napkin thrown at her for good measure.

-:-

The first time they kiss is out by the water with the lights and the winds and everything picture-perfect. It's almost sad to realize the atmosphere is perfect for a relationship they both know is mismatched, but she kisses him back anyway, letting him cup her cheeks and pull her in close. He tastes like strawberry cake and champagne from their dinner earlier, and it's not one of the worst kisses she's ever had, not by a long shot.

"This is a bad idea," he laughs when they part, though he doesn't pull away, and neither does she, relishing in the feeling of his arms strong and warm and solid around her. "This is a really, _really_ bad idea, Kat."

And she knows why, intellectually, she knows it. Because Tommy, and because Kim, and because everything else, everyone else. Because it's _them_ , they're _Jason_ and _Kat_ , and they'll never be a perfect fit. Life doesn't work that way.

But she's getting older, and life is moving on. So she lets him take her home and she lets herself invite him inside and she lets him kiss her again. And again, and again, and again. And she knows in the morning the world will look different, but right now it's starry skies and Jason's smile and Jason's touches, and that seems to matter, if only for tonight.

When she wakes up in the morning, he's gone. She knows – she knows why, knew he would be – because he has a job and so does she and they're _adults_ and they have things to do that don't involve teenage hormones and teenage crushes and teenage flirting but. _But_.

She feels kind of sad, anyway. Sad that they'll never be anything even if they wanted to, because this isn't some fairytale story, and it's not as simple as _oh, you fell in love with the wrong guy in high school_. It's never that simple.

He calls her later that night to apologize for leaving, and she says don't worry about it, because what was she going to say instead? _I wish you'd stayed, I wish we'd built something, I wish we could have something._

It's only a little bit true, so she doesn't say it at all. A little bit isn't enough, after all. Love doesn't work that way.

-:-

 **v. pink**

When she gets a phone call from Cassie some time after she's moved back to Angel Grove permanently and everything feels different because all the monsters are somewhere else, she's surprised. Of course she's kept in touch with Cassie, heard all the details of their fights and battles and losing their powers, but it's late, and Cassie always calls early.

Cassie never calls like this. Kat picks up the phone and knows, almost without even having to hear it, that Cassie is crying. Something in her heart twists. Cassie isn't supposed to cry. Cassie, the Cassie she'd known, the Cassie she'd trusted with her powers, is bright and happy and full of sunshine and dry humor and smart remarks. Full of kindness and caring and empathy.

That's why she was chosen to be pink. Kat cradles the phone to her ear and asks softly, "Cassie, what's wrong?"

Her next words hit her like a machete to the gut. _It's Kendrix,_ she whispers over the phone, _she's gone, she died and it's all my fault, she died trying to save us from Psycho Pink, she's_ dead _, Kat, she's dead, what am I supposed to do now?_

Kat forgets how to breathe for a moment. She knows Kendrix; they've all kept updated on other ranger teams through Tommy and the database he's building, and word travels through the ranger grapevine pretty quickly, and she _knows_ Kendrix. Pink Galaxy, small and blonde and brilliant, off saving the universe on Terra Venture, headed for the stars.

She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to say. Somewhere, her brain connects to her mouth and she manages to get out, "Are you in Angel Grove? Why don't you come over to my house tonight?" but she still doesn't know what to _say_.

"Okay," murmurs Cassie, and she hangs up the phone and stares at the wall in horrified, heartbreaking silence for what seems like an eternity. She doesn't know how long it'll take Cassie to get here – she should clean, or make food, or do something, but she can't.

She can't do anything. A pink ranger is _dead_.

She picks up the phone again, and she calls Kimberly.

-:-

"I'm sorry," Cassie says immediately as soon as Kat welcomes into her apartment with a hug. "I didn't know who else to call, I didn't know what to do – it was a few days ago, we just got back to Earth, and it all just hit me, and I didn't want to bother my team because – because I don't know, it was _my fault_ – "

" _Cassie_ ," says Kat firmly, guiding her over to the couch and helping her sit down. "It was _not_ your fault. Listen to me – look at me."

If there's one thing she's learned from Kimberly, it's how to be a good mentor. Cassie looks up, eyes shining, face still wet with already-shed tears, every inch the young girl Kat had met in the desert that day all those years ago, and Kat kneels down in front of her and cups her cheeks in her hands.

"We all know there's a risk in being a ranger," she says quietly, making sure Cassie's attention is entirely on her. "Kendrix knew it. Kendrix fought anyway. Kendrix was a good ranger, and she knew what she was fighting for. She was fighting to protect people. That's all we can do. She didn't sacrifice herself so that you – _you_ , Cassie, you _saved the entire universe_ from Astronema – so that you could sit here feeling sorry for herself."

Cassie hiccups and closes her eyes. "But I could have saved her – I should have stopped her – "

"Kendrix was strong enough to make her choice, Cassie," Kat says gently, moving one hand to brush Cassie's hair from her face. "She would never want you to think that she died because of you. This is not a question of weakness. This is a matter of strength."

Cassie shakes her head, but her breathing seems easier now. "She was so strong, Kat," she whispers, and Kat draws back to let her curl up into a ball on her couch. "She was – she was like Zordon."

"Exactly," Kat says, a sad smile crossing her face. "And they both loved you, Cassie. And they would never want you to hate yourself over their choices. They would want you to live, and remember them."

Cassie opens her eyes again, this time lying sideways on the couch, and says quietly, "Thank you, Kat."

Kat squeezes her hand. "Go to sleep, Cassie. I'll be here when you wake up."

-:-

She makes them breakfast in the morning, and Cassie seems to be feeling a little better, though sometimes her eyes still glaze over and it's like she's lost. It makes Kat's heart hurt, seeing her so confused and off-balance when Cassie has always been one of the strongest girls she's known – and she's known plenty of strong girls.

"Do you want me to call Ashley?" she asks her, but Cassie shakes her head no, so they spend the rest of the day on the couch, watching TV, ordering Chinese take-out, and talking about everything under the sun.

It's a welcome distraction and it looks like it does the trick – Cassie starts smiling a little brighter, talking about the shows they're watching, not crying quite as much. Kat still doesn't know quite what to do, hasn't even _begun_ sorting out the emotions building in her chest – because whether she knew her well or not, Kendrix is _one of them_ , and more importantly, she's _one of hers_ – but it all seems irrelevant in light of getting Cassie to smile, at least for the day.

By the time night falls over Angel Grove, Kat is growing tired, and she knows she has a long line of nightmares to look forward to – she's heard more about Kendrix's death from the others, her ghost saying goodbye, her saber being lost, Psycho Pink, everything, and it's _terrifying_ – but she doesn't want to kick Cassie out, so she goes to make her bed so that Cassie can maybe have a good night's sleep.

But Cassie finds her in the doorway to her bedroom and says quietly, "You don't have to do this, Kat."

Kat looks up at her, utterly astonished because – "Of course I do. You're my friend, Cassie."

Cassie smiles a little and steps inside. "I'm gonna go back home tonight. I don't want to put you out – "

"You're _not_ ," Kat insists, but Cassie shakes her head and takes her hands in hers. "Cassie, I don't want you to be alone."

"I won't be," Cassie promises. "You're a phone call away, right? I think I need some time to myself now. You've been – you've been so kind, Kat. And thank you for everything."

Kat sighs. "Cassie, I really don't think you should be alone right now," because she knows from experience how damaging it can be to isolate yourself after a trauma, but Cassie doesn't listen.

"I have Ashley and the others, too," she says, and there's a hint of uncertainty in her voice that Kat thinks must come from leaving, and she's about to open her mouth to point it out, when Cassie stops her. "I just wanted to thank you."

"You don't have to thank me," Kat says, or she would have said, if Cassie hadn't cut her off by leaning forward and pressing their lips together.

For the second time in as many days, Kat forgets how to breathe. She remembers just in time for Cassie to pull apart, a look she knows way too well growing in her eyes – mingled horror and panic and embarrassment – and before she can stop herself, she knows she has to make that go away.

"Cassie," she murmurs, and kisses her again, then pulls back with a shake of her head, "You're hurting. You need to rest."

"I know," Cassie sighs, but she looks at Kat like there's something else there, and maybe it is, or maybe it's just all in her head, but either way – "I know, I just – I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Kat says quickly, insistently. "Don't ever be sorry. I love you, Cassie. I'm always here if you need me."

Cassie smiles a little and draws back. "Thank you. I'm just – I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should be doing – "

Kat presses her hand to Cassie's arm gently. "Go home and call Ashley," she instructs. "Get some rest, and stop beating yourself up. We all love you, and we're here for you, no matter what."

Cassie nods and takes her leave, and Kat remains standing in her bedroom, heart pounding like a drum solo, wishing that for once – for _once_ in her life – that the world would stop being so damn confusing all the time.

-:-

She would normally call Kimberly about these things – _pink_ things, about Cassie or Kendrix, about Tommy, about love. But the thought settles oddly in her even an hour later, so instead, she picks up the phone and calls Tanya, who at least already knows.

"Oh, Kat, I heard about Kendrix, I'm _so_ sorry," Tanya says as soon as she picks up, practically bubbling over with grief and shock and empathy, and Kat swallows all her words about Cassie and accepts Tanya's comfort. It's nice, in its own way, because it's Tanya, and she's Kat's best friend.

Then she remembers kissing Tanya, years ago, on a couch and in a room so similar to this one, and the dam breaks. "Cassie kissed me," she finds herself blurting out, and there's a long, pregnant pause on the other end of the phone.

"She – she _kissed_ you? Like, on the lips?" Tanya asks slowly, and Kat clarifies that, yes, it was on the lips, and yes, it was _like that_ , and yes, she liked it, but also, it was weird, it was so weird, because it was _Cassie._

It was Cassie, and not Tanya; it was Cassie, and not Kim. It was Cassie, whom she loves, but _not like that_ – at least, she'd thought she hadn't, till her world had gone upside-down again.

"So, how do you feel?" Tanya asks finally, gently, bringing her back to the real world and out of her thoughts.

"Lost," Kat replies, and she understands the way Cassie had looked in the morning, the way you do when you have time to process a tragedy and it all just sits around you like the whole world is off-kilter and nothing makes sense. Maybe she does love Cassie like that, but maybe she doesn't. Maybe she never really loved Tanya – except she did. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

"Do you want me to come over?" Tanya offers, but Kat shakes her head, because that would just make this all the more confusing and she needs time to think, time to remember, time to reflect. Time to mourn Kendrix, their lost pink, and she can't do that with someone else around, even if it is Tanya.

"I'll be fine," she says, though she doesn't know if she _will_ be. But she knows she has to be. For Cassie, if nothing else. "We should go visit the Space rangers soon, though."

"Right, of course," Tanya agrees. "I'll call the boys, schedule something with them. Don't hurt yourself over this, Kat. I know you like to carry the world on your shoulders, but don't collapse under the weight, okay?"

Kat smiles sadly and wishes her good night. Tanya is right, has always been right about Kat. But she can't even begin to comprehend the tangle of emotions building in her chest – of girls and boys, of death and living, of powers and not having them, and how much it can mess you up inside.

But Kat has her friends, and she has her heart, and she has people who love her. And, in the end, so did Kendrix. Maybe that's all that really matters.

* * *

 _some alternate endings and scenes i thought about including but decided not to:_

\- kat and zhane at andros and ashley's wedding, discussing what it's like to be in love with their best friends  
\- kat and kim somewhere, talking, laughing, and probably eventually kissing  
\- tommy finding out about kat and jason because that would just be hilarious  
\- kat and kendrix meeting somehow, somewhere, and maybe falling in love

maybe i'll write a coda to this eventually, but it's clocked in at almost 9000 words so i'm going to just publish it and hope for the best. thanks for reading this far, and please drop me a review to let me know what you thought!

and **don't** favorite without reviewing, please and thank you.


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